It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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