So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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