I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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