My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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