hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
