I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
