Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
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I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
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Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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