be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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