I met the friendliest cop last night
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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