You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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