ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Every concussion has its silver lining
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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