Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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