did you get engaged???
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
