it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
