When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
