I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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