He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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