she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
