Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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