Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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