btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
MIDGETS
????
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
