so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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