Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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