And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
that's an acceptable place to lick
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
