Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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