I heard we made out
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
