I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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