Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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