hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
