he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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