I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
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I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???