when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
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I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
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As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife