Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
