My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous