i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
