I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
