got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
