He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
