At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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