he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday