Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
