Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
