Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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