no, he came in my armpit
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
