you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
