I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
