I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
