God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
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