omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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