i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
