farters have to be the big spoon...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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