I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
