Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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