he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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