So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
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Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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