So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
