I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
