better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
